I’ve been really struggling to decipher what my role is going to be on this work trip.
I went out to do EV yesterday, had to leave early, came back, and felt like death. I was running on about 15% of myself/my energy. It knocked me out for the rest of that day, and the next one.
Thinking about going out and doing this again makes me scared, to be completely honest. Last week, going around town with my team was okay because I didn’t have to make conversation. I could focus on breathing, putting one foot in front of the next, and not passing out.
But in EV, I’m now expected to go out, strike up conversation, maintain conversation, be very sociable, get contacts, try to incorporate the goods, and then pursue them hard core in the next weeks. Facing that, I already feel defeated.
I don’t have the capacity to do this. I could push really hard, but is that really what Dad wants? I know He wants us to give all we have and push hard, and min. is hard work, but I don’t know if it is glorifying to push myself that hard. I feel that God is glorified in my life when I’m able to live life, not when I’m struggling to survive each day. There is wisdom in rest and yielding to limitations.
In the company, we’ve defined success by saying it’s “stepping out in faith and taking the initiative in the power of the HS and leaving the results up to God.”
…But, what if you don’t even have the capacity to step out?
Today I didn’t. I had to stay in my room all day, I could barely get out of bed. Initially I felt guilty. I came here for one reason, to do one job – EV. How can I get here and NOT do that?! I do not want to hinder my team, disappoint Dad, or not “do enough” (dangerous words, I know).
In speaking with my brother, I was encouraged to view success more so in the measure of faithfulness and stewardship. With how I serve here, would I be confident in standing before the Bema seat of Christ, able to say that I did all that I could, with all wisdom and all effort, to use what He’d given me to bring Him the greatest glory possible through my life?
I was explaining all of these thoughts to my disc-er on the train, and I was in the middle of expressing how I had no idea how I could do m-work here when this local girl next to me taps me on the shoulder and immediately strikes up a conversation. We got into this huge, sincere conversation about life and it ended with us swapping contact info, and her asking if we could meet up and hang out. …OK, Dad!
I was silenced in my questions and reminded that Dad is going to use me how He wants to use me, where and when He plans. He is going to take my personal weakness and strategically place me in order to be glorified through them. All I need to do is faithfully respond and obey. Amen.
As far as how I expect to serve here daily, I’m still chatting with Dad about it.
Today, I felt like the Water boy of the Team. I may not go on the field often, I may not run the big plays or carry the ball across the line, but I for sure am cheering on my team with all that I have. I’m chatting with Coach while they’re on the field. And when they come back, I am there with the water and words of encouragement. I’ll substitute when they need me or when I can jump in. When Coach needs me for something specific.
This is a team effort. I may not be the quarterback of Dad’s Squad, but I for sure am going to give everything I am for the Victory in any position I’m given. If Coach has placed me by His side for the next 5 weeks instead of on the front lines, I will be the best water boy you could ever ask for.