Bonus Post

Oceans, by Hillsong: We sang this tonight and it gets me every time.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

Crap. I know where my trust is without borders and where my feet could never wander by themselves. I know what will make my faith stronger, and what will lead me into the presence of my Savior, and it's terrifying.

Every time I sing those lyrics I just think of how much I've suffered, and how much He may call me to suffer in the future. I get glimpses of the inexpressible pain and suffering which call me out in waters deeper than my own strength could carry me through. The doctors can't understand what's going on, and I am only digressing? Okay. These diseases I have are incurable and untreatable? Okay. Chemo gives you cancer when you're on it? Okay. I imagine hospital beds. I imagine continuing to be in unrelenting and increasing pain. I imagine dying so young.

These aren't things that I wish not to happen, don't get me wrong. These are just things that I know are very possible in my life, so singing and asking God to lead you into these scary places? That just makes me cry sometimes, because it's hard. But I am willing, which makes me know that He will answer that prayer. Which is scary too.

But here I am God, send me into the storm even farther.