Who Even Am I?

I’m just really mourning the loss of myself.

I remember who I used to be – who I desperately wish I still was. I used to be the first one to run into the ocean, to tackle someone, or play a game of soccer or volleyball. I was always doing something full of life, and loved to include others and help bring them out of their shells.

Now the most energy I can muster up is maybe enough to smile at someone. They’ll tease me and inside all I want to do is mess with them back and have fun! But my body is so slow and in so much pain that even on a good day I can laugh, but that’s about it. Now I’m the one who is always sitting or lying down and can’t partake in games or fun adventures. I’m the one on the sidelines, to be pitied. I’m seen as quiet instead of who I really was/am/would be, who was/am/would be much more full of life.

My heart and my body (reality) are two drastically different things, and they really don’t like each other.

Not only do I view myself as boring and not really worth getting to know, but now I feel like this is how others view me as well. On top of that, people don’t really understand what I mean when I say I don’t feel well. But how could they? I mean, I look perfectly normal… So there’s the barrier of misunderstanding as well.  

Oh how I miss myself.

Now I’m just a smiling face, but there doesn’t appear to be much more to me than that.

Now, I’m living at about 40% of myself. God, what are you doing in my life?/with my life?

I don’t even feel good being around people much anymore because they can be their real selves, running around, laughing, and messing with each other yet I have to hold back. That’s all I want to be able to do.

Do I need to change myself? Ah I hope not! Will I ever be able to be more of myself again?

To me, there’s no reason anyone would want to be with me much. I know that’s a lie from Satan, but it’s an easy one for me to believe right now because I don’t even really want to be with myself/don’t really like me right now, either.

What can I do, Lord? How can we help this? I don’t want people to just tell me how much they love me though, because I don’t want to rely/only be encouraged by people. I want a much deeper satisfaction with myself and what’s happening. God, why isn’t the fact that you love me and made me this way enough for me? Probably because I don’t understand it.

I get really jealous of other people’s fun, and so sometimes I’ll try to join in! (ex: today with volleyball on the beach). But, I won’t be able to perform or have as much fun as I want to, or know that I could, or as much as everyone else. So I’ll feel even worse for trying - and then failing. Furthermore, those are some of the few times people will actually see me trying and therefore they’ll form their views of me based on those instances, in which I wasn’t able to even be who I really am. So not only do I feel perceived as someone completely different and am hurt/discouraged in that, but I also feel so much worse physically, so was it even worth trying in the first place?

I’m just battling the lies Satan’s whispering in my ear, the pain and exhaustion of my physical body, as well as the mourning of the further losses of myself.

I’m falling into God and asking Him to reveal to me more of Himself, and show me HIS beauty and HIS glory, and how He so mercifully loves me and sees me as perfect and Holy; as someone who is beautifully and wonderfully made to endure her victories, as well as losses; joys as well as discouragements; full-of-life moments and “boring” moments.

I’m giving myself and my personality, gifts, and joys up to Jesus to refine and sanctify. For He gave me a personality and the circumstances to be myself in.

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves 

we become – because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the 

different people that you and I were intended to be. It is when I turn 

to Christ, when I give myself to His personality, that I first 

begin to have a real personality of my own.”

 ~C.S. Lewis~

Sometimes work is slow, so I dabble in a little doodling. 

Bonus Post

Oceans, by Hillsong: We sang this tonight and it gets me every time.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

Crap. I know where my trust is without borders and where my feet could never wander by themselves. I know what will make my faith stronger, and what will lead me into the presence of my Savior, and it's terrifying.

Every time I sing those lyrics I just think of how much I've suffered, and how much He may call me to suffer in the future. I get glimpses of the inexpressible pain and suffering which call me out in waters deeper than my own strength could carry me through. The doctors can't understand what's going on, and I am only digressing? Okay. These diseases I have are incurable and untreatable? Okay. Chemo gives you cancer when you're on it? Okay. I imagine hospital beds. I imagine continuing to be in unrelenting and increasing pain. I imagine dying so young.

These aren't things that I wish not to happen, don't get me wrong. These are just things that I know are very possible in my life, so singing and asking God to lead you into these scary places? That just makes me cry sometimes, because it's hard. But I am willing, which makes me know that He will answer that prayer. Which is scary too.

But here I am God, send me into the storm even farther.

Highlights and Lowlights

Another week. Already?? But wait, it’s only been a week?! Goodness...

Highlights: I walked my first people into the family of Christ. I can’t scream through a computer, so you can’t really understand the intensity with which I am saying that sentence. 

Someone on project took a picture at the exact
moment we were praying for their salvation. <3

I talked with two 7^th grade girls who have already had a ton of hurt in their lives. They talked about how they felt they needed to confess every sin they’ve ever committed to God, or else they’ll go to Hell. You could sense their distress with that belief. We offered them what Christ has offered us all, a one-time forgiveness, with everlasting peace, joy, and life. I asked if that was something they wanted, to which they earnestly said yes. (Granted our conversation was much longer than this, but this is just a general recap.) They were too nervous to pray themselves, so I prayed for them. One girl embraced me as I started praying over them, and they began to cry. After we finished asking God into their lives, we asked how they felt. They said at peace and safe. Which is the whole essence of Jesus.

It was an incredible moment, definitely a strong way to start our week of Killing the Giants.

Killing the Giants week is basically a week where we lay it all out for Christ, in the realm of evangelism. We set a goal and spend the whole week striving to kill our evangelism ‘giants’, to face them with courage and have victory with Christ.

<My own personal giant is confusing and lengthy, tied to a lot of other ideas and struggles. I’d love to go into it, but again probably on one-on-one basis, for the sake of time in regards to this blog. But feel free to ask me!>

This week definitely brings up the question of why we’re doing this; why, I personally, am doing this. It’s such a nerve-wracking thing sometimes, speaking the name of Jesus to others. I would not do this if I thought this was simply a game. It is not to me. If I believe that Jesus is Lord, and that He is the only way to have eternal life, then there is NOTHING more important that I could EVER do with my life.

And that is what I believe.

Some Lowlights...

These birds have some scary
good aim and timing.

***Note of enjoyment (for others): Satan is at work this week. He is so desperate that he is stooping to the lowest of lows. In BOTH of my most IMPORTANT gospel conversations this week and – I kid you not – in the most PIVOTAL sentences OF THE CONVERSATION I get pooped on!!!!! Like DIRECTLY. I have now been pooped on a total of 5 times and counting – 4 of them while sharing.

Satan, if you’re this desperate, at least try more reasonable ways of stopping God’s work. These seagulls aren’t gonna stop Jesus. He’s not falling off his throne up there slippin, goin “AWH crap! Now what’s she gonna do?! She’s lost ‘em!” HECK no. Ya gotta play a bigger game than that, Satan.

Which he does, actually. Hersh, a beloved member of our staff team here on project, has been speaking this week about the lies deep in our hearts and subconscious. Satan, in this very real spiritual battle, is throwing flaming arrows (Ephesians 4) at us, which are full of the lies he knows we are most prone to succumb to. These lies have been relentlessly attacking us this week.

Some lies that I have had to battle against especially this week:

•        My physical illness can and will prevent me from being effective on the battlefield of witnessing. I am really just too weak to be a #1 worker for God (and I don’t mean #1 in that I’m competing with others, just a #1 in my own life- like the best worker I can be.)
•        Some people do have it all together and it will offend and bother them to hear the name of Jesus, in which case it will be worse to bother them with anything. I should just let them be.
•        I am God’s most powerful tool. It really is on me if I miss an opportunity. God can’t work past my mistakes.
•         People really do just hate Jesus, and if I even start to go in that direction, they’ll get extremely upset and hate me and even worse, hate God even more!

But God and his Word is the truth to combat those, so we're working together on fighting against those lies. *It’s easy to know the truth intellectually. Like, some of those things literally sound so silly and dumb to write out! But when I get down into my heart, I do actually believe them.

More than lies though, I’ve really felt defeated this week simply in my physical weakness. I can barely get out of bed in the morning, barely open my eyes because they’re so swollen, barely walk up stairs, etc. – so I can’t even imagine having to speak to people and be full of the life that I simply don’t have. Satan is dancing in his victory over my broken body. But I chose God, and choose Him over and over again. And God fights for me.

Tonight Hersh showed a video clip from the movie the Blind Side, where Sandra Bullock goes after Michael’s old “friends” who are super angry with him. She basically tells ‘em what’s up and says, “You threaten my son, you threaten me.” in that classic Sandra Bullock ‘Ima fight you and Ima win’ tone. The clip ended and Hersh turns and says, that’s how God fights for you. He’s not passive, he’s attacking Satan for you. I loved that illustration because sometimes I do feel alone is this fight, but I know my God, my Lord, my Savior, and my dearest friend is kicking Satan’s butt over me! AMEN.

Overall, I’ve had to do and face a lot of hard things this week, things I didn’t even have time to go into here. I’ve felt defeated, but rejoice in the fact that I can and will have victory. This fight is not in vain, praise the Lord!

Our dear Impact Group sailin' these beaches for some searching souls. :) 

Spiritual Battles and New, I Mean Old, Truths

I have never before been in the midst of such a deeply real spiritual battle.

This last week has been an incredible challenge for me spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

In discipleship today, I uncovered lies and hidden shame that have rooted themselves so deep into my life.  In my past there have obviously been a lot of mistakes, but one that I call my Mistake, that has shaped my life, heart, and attitude in ways I didn’t even think possible- and not necessarily for the better.

In that Mistake (which I’d love to share on a one on one basis, but I’m not particularly keen on writing on the internet) I never received grace or forgiveness– but rather judgment, shame, and a persona of being unforgivable and the greatest sinner. These identities wove themselves into the deepest parts of my heart, and apparently never left. I knew truth; that I was forgiven and that God loves me. I’ve moved past the Mistake itself, but its repercussions are what have dug so deeply into my heart. In facing things that I can’t “go home” from here in Ocean City, I have discovered Shame’s comfortable living situation in my heart, as well as its roommates, the Lies. It’s been incredibly challenging to face these things head on for myself, and even harder to allow others into this place of pain and shame.

“But God.” (Eph. 2:4.) But God is more. But God carrie[d/s] my shame and my sin. But God forgave, and forgives. But God fights for me. But God lives IN me.

Which brings me to another thing I’ve been studying lately: Who the heck is the Holy Spirit and why has NO ONE talked to me about Him before?! This seems to have been a serious ‘miss’ in my spiritual upbringing.    *Not blaming anyone, but just disappointed in missing it myself.*

Learning and studying more and more about the Spirit, and SEEING what walking by the Spirit is and really means- it seems like a really hard-to-miss, 1/3 of Christianity that was skipped for most of my life.     

This week we’ve been talking a lot about living water vs. broken cisterns: Jeremiah 2:13, 

“My people have committed two sins:They have forsaken me,    the spring of living water,and have dug their own cisterns,    broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

I’ve been processing through a lot of the broken cisterns that I go to for satisfaction in my own life; some include my friendships (even the amount of), approval, and my own performance. I’ve definitely seen how focusing on and running to these things for life and satisfaction leave me so empty and desperate for truth.

Now I’m learning what God means in John 7:37-38 when He says,

“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. 

Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, 

rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

Living Water = the Holy Spirit. Who is IN ME. I don’t need to GO anywhere for my satisfaction- my true and pure satisfaction comes from something- someONE - that is already dwelling inside of me.                       

?!?!? KAY. 

Like, For real, God?

I mean I knew this, but I didn’t know this. It seems so silly- so obvious - but it’s an elusive truth, I’ve found.

***Another note of importance to me: I am not in control of my own satisfaction- the Holy Spirit is.

….Oh.

Right.

Date Night with Jesus on the Beach <3
Smiling pic with me and the Holy Spirit, because we
enjoy each other's company so much!

Because I’ve been trying to satisfy myself for 19 years now (and I’m sure I’ll continue in vain many more times) but it sure hasn’t worked out yet. So, yeah, it must obviously be out of my control. The Holy Spirit is claiming that He, and He alone, is able to satisfy. He’s taking the WHOLE responsibility of satisfactorily meeting my every need on HIMSELF.

--> AND, knowing that God is the definition of good, and loves me more than I could ever love myself, shouldn’t I trust Him to handle my needs for me? Well I mean logically yes, but I know the difference between head knowledge vs. heart knowledge so very well.

So, this doesn’t seem very cohesive or beautifully written, but it is a glance at what's been going on in my heart this last week. 

 

"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news" Rom. 10:15

***Ministry-wise this week: It’s been incredible- I haven’t been scared to initiate or talk to people about God or present the gospel yet at all, praise God for that! I have been able to tangibly see God soften people’s hearts towards Him, and draw them sooo close to salvation, that I can’t help but get SO excited because I know God will finish the work He began in them if they are truly called to Himself! Being able to witness part of that, and BE a part of that, is indescribable.

*Note about the picture the the right. Really cool for me to think about how the verse says how beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news- not how wonderful is the intellect of those, or the theology of those, just the feet. As we walk out in obedience here in Ocean City to spread the gospel, it's been amazing to watch God work. :) 

                                                                                    

Summarization is Impossible, But Here it is...

Week 1: DONE.

I’m not sure how to summarize or write about the first seven days of being on project. So... I’ll give it my best shot. *Note, this will just be a small glimpse- definitely can’t write everything!

My Action Group: Bible Study/Roommates and Discipler!

It’s been challenging already to be in a close community of 100 students you don’t know, yet at the same time, one of the coolest things ever.

At first it was completely overwhelming (often still is...), and for the first couple days I had no idea what was even happening haha. But things just kept moving, one after the other, with barely any time to process what was going on.

This is one of the most unique experiences I’ve ever had, and watching myself react to what is going on has been very interesting and insightful.

So, what have I been learning about myself?

1. Insecurities are rampant in my heart.

In an overwhelming community like this, any and all insecurities rise to the surface pretty quick. The comparison game becomes the most popular to play, and you immediately want - even need - everyone to think you’re GREAT and to love you. But since insecurities work destructively, I quickly deduct that I’m not enough; be it fun enough, funny enough, godly enough, kind enough, etc.

This can easily be Satan’s feeding ground, and his hold on me in this area is more obvious than ever. It’s awesome to be thrust into this situation and be forced to face each insecurity head on (and there's quite a list).

It’s cool how our project realizes this too. The first talk on our first morning was about God’s love for you and how that produces permanent and powerful assurance and affirmation. It was in this talk that I realized another thing about myself:

2. I rarely am intentional about truths.

I have heard the “God loves you” talk more times than I can remember, yet on none of those occasions had I beat it into my heart or seriously applied it to my life in the interest of changing anything. Sitting and hearing these truths again, I desperately wanted to be done solely hearing and aimed to start applying.

In my life, I haven’t been, yet need to be, an intentional learner. I am so blessed to hear truth, often multiples times a day, but so often I leave the truths where I heard them and continue walking in my own ways, ways that continue to leave me wanting and hurting. It's funny how we can be in pain, and hear the solution, and think "wow that's awesome! I want that!" and then walk away from it because it takes energy and effort to apply it to yourself and go through the healing process. 

So, for this specific talk on love, I want(ed) to take the truths of God’s love and very seriously and intentionally dive into them, imagining a life lived in full assurance, and pursuing that. I am done surrendering to my insecurities and fear, a slave to a life of second-guessing and anxiety. I am intentionally pursuing a life lived abiding Christ’s love for me, and experiencing the freedom in that.

*Note: it is not an immediate change, but a conscious and constant battle.

This week is also themed “Setting the Pace” for both project- and life! So I’ve been processing what sort of permanent habits, or “rocks”, I want to create AND KEEP in my life. Some include:

Quiet times at the Beach:)

   1.     Read the Word to become unsatisfied. I feel like the less of God’s Word I read, the more satisfied I become with it. So I want to create a lifestyle of perseverance in reading and studying God’s Word so much that I become unsatisfied and am in a constant state of wanting to know it in greater depth.

   2.     Pray to know God. I want to live a life characterized by prayer. I feel like so much of my prayer life now is shallow and focused on MY life. So I want my focus in prayer to be to know and experience Christ, and be drawn into a deeper and deeper relationship with Him.

   3.     Be intentional in change, living to always grow. Never settling with my contentedness, but pursuing a life of learning and growing. (I touched on this above in working towards intentionally applying truths to my life.)

In project so far, I haven’t felt God shaking my life with ERUPTING convictions, but more so experiencing a quiet and constant growth. I’d like to build a foundation this summer of quiet and constant growth, one that will persist for the rest of my life- a foundation that is unshakeable, a place where the Lord can grow me into a strong woman.

My Impact Group!

So, these are just a few thoughts I’ve been challenged in, painting a little picture of what God has been doing in my life so far.

*OH, and as far as evangelism, I’ve gone out sharing on the boardwalk 3 times, and had solid experiences each time! The first two people I talked to professing Christians, but today I talked to two teenage girls who we shared the whole gospel with and who, you could tell, God had been preparing their hearts to hear truth. Praying for them tonight.