Love?

So, I've had this question in the back of my mind for awhile now and am still working on its answer (maybe I always will be). I've been asking, why does God love me? How is this possible?

I have walked through feeling guilty because I have something that I don't deserve. I see this as shameful, for that is how the world sees it. For example, if a kid does nothing to earn it, but inherits his family's billions and continues to squander it to the last penny- he is hated! That is not a noble or respectable or even an acceptable thing.

Yet, this is like me and God's love. He's given it to me freely, without judgment or hesitation, and I have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. And more often than not, I waste it and take it for granted.

I would at least feel a little better if God acknowledged how much I don't deserve it, and gave it to me while judging me and making sure I knew that I did't deserve it. But He doesn't. He gives freely, generously, without even looking at who I really am apart from Him. He looks at me, and only sees a holy, righteous saint, because He sees me as He sees His own Son, Christ Jesus (Colossians 3:12).

So, in my heart I have been secretly asking: how can I make myself worthy of this??
In the world I grew up in, it says one must be worthy of something great, especially love. We are to get what we deserve. We don't go around loving the people who slandered us, or gossiped about us, or treat us like we're dirt. No, the world says things that are worthy of love are things (people) that are beautiful, kind, rich, intelligent, talented, etc. But nowhere in our culture does it say love the child who inherited billions and squandered it, or the selfish person who can't think beyond their own world or wants, or the prideful person who can't pass up an opportunity to put others down and lift his or her own self up. Those are not the people we deem worthy of loving, worthy of spending time with, worthy of even liking.

Yet, the people I just described are all me. I am that person, who is proud, who is selfish, who squanders all good things. And yet, Christ loves me. Better yet- He LIKES me!! Zephaniah 3:17 tells me that God delights in ME, and is continuously singing over me! (Or as I like to think, He's singing with me :) 'cus ya know, you can never pass up a good song.)

So naturally, if I am to believe what this book called the Bible is telling me, it makes me question. Things don't add up. So which side is misunderstanding? Is God - the eternal, all-knowing, all-wise, Creator of all (and MY) life - misunderstanding who I am, or am I misunderstanding who God is, and His love for me?


This is a page from my journal as I attempt farther to understand these things...