Fear

Gosh.

I haven’t posted in awhile. Mainly because I haven’t known what to say. Things are happening, as they always are on project, but I’m not 100% sure what’s happening in ME, thus I avoided writing about it.

And now that I’ve waited even longer, it’s even harder for me to know what to say.

But, something that I have been realizing is how the overarching theme for my summer is F E A R.

The first couple weeks I spent facing and battling my insecurities. Those were rooted in the fear that I wasn’t enough.

The next couple weeks were spent facing the hurt of my past, which was thrust in my face again due to present circumstances. Satan used my situation at work to rub my biggest fears of emotional pain in my face and bring me back to the beginning of it all.

These last weeks have been dealing with my biggest fears of emotional pain as well, but presented in yet different situations from different angles.

(I know that’s extremely general, but in respect for others I’m not going to publish details on the Internet. But feel free to ask me personally! (Also, I hate general posts, because there is so much power in vulnerability. But I’m trying to be honest and respectful, so bear with me please. haha))

Even so, this is surprising to me, for I never considered myself a fearful person. Yet all these things have been showing me the depths of my distrust and unbelief in the Lord and His sovereignty. Like, where is my faith – really?

One thing I am learning though, is just how NOT neutral prayer is. I am starting to realize how every single prayer has an effect, because God promises to answer ever prayer. If this is true, and if I really understood the power of prayer, then spending time in communion with my Lord is one of the most important things I can do with my time; ever.

This has become so dear to me, as I am not always strong enough to go out and evangelize on the boardwalk. How can I still be a part of ministry? I have loved my divine appointments not with other people, but with my dear Lord, as I take part in His mission to advance His kingdom from my bed. It is a special yet still powerful way I can be a part of His calling for me.

Also, I’d like to elaborate more on the biggest fear of my life right now: the fear of mediocrity and wastefulness.

I’m just going to share with you a little from my journal during my quiet time the other night:

“I’m so scared of settling. Of forsaking Christ and His call of sacrifice and surrender and wasting opportunities to live a reckless faith like life that is incredibly effective and powerful.

In this is the honesty of my struggle in seeing how a life in middle class American could be more effective in advancing God’s kingdom than giving up everything and moving to bring the gospel for the first time to unreached people groups. I know the whole truth that “God is sovereign and it’s only through His power that you could even be effective and you know wherever He calls you, you will be effective the exact amount that He wants you to be.” Great.

           

Now back to my reality and fears. I’m scared that if I stay in the states I will become comfortable or distracted with worldly affairs and wouldn’t really evangelize. And I fear this so much because this is the majority of what I’ve seen in the modern American church. So, why would it be different for me? I’m not any stronger in my faith that others. I’m so afraid of that.

I’m afraid to waste my life. But, underneath that, I think I’m afraid I will disappoint God, and be nothing more than a very dispensable piece of flesh. Does this go back to my deep-seated, secret belief that Christ’s like for me is really works and results based? Does it speak to more depth of my distrust in God’s sovereignty? Is part of my desire to move abroad actually a semi-escape plan? A hope that I can escape an inevitable reality and future of failure? I think yeah.

My thoughts real quick: America is so Bible saturated! There is such a movement here. I trust in how God is working through our leaders! Sure, it’s not all great, but there IS A MOVEMENT. What about Iraq? India? Thailand? The Philippines? Etc! they DON’T EVEN HAVE A MOVEMENT. THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. HOW can I stay?! How could this EVER be a better place for me to stay and minister?! How much do I have to value self and comfort over people’s souls to keep me here? Yes. I believe people are called to stay – we can’t all get up and move, otherwise our movement would fall apart. But, what if I am being called abroad? I feel there aren’t enough of us seriously asking that question.

But- this also leads me to another level. What if this is ignorant surface-level passion? My worry is that the reality of our lives – of my life – is that these hopes and dreams actually don’t come true. They’re just ignorant, baby adult dreams That people don’t actually do crazy and awesome things for Jesus. Only a select few, extraordinary, celebrity Christians actually lead lives like David Platt, Francis Chan, or Beth Guckenberger. But me? Yeah, I’m ordinary. I need to be hit in the face with reality and understand and accept that I’ll be living an ordinary, sub-par, typical middle class American Christian life. Deal with it. That is what I’m scared of.

That’s one reason why I love being sick with a terminal illness, because that’s a call to suffer that much more and live a life that’s a little more challenging.

Getting just a small taste of what it’s like to suffer and sacrifice even just a little for God has left me with an insatiable longing to do so more.

So God, what will you have me do? I truly am saying, “Here I am, send me.” I am willing to sacrifice and I trust that when the time comes when you ask me to sacrifice something I can’t, you will enable me to obey with your mercy and grace.”