Spiritual Battles and New, I Mean Old, Truths

I have never before been in the midst of such a deeply real spiritual battle.

This last week has been an incredible challenge for me spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

In discipleship today, I uncovered lies and hidden shame that have rooted themselves so deep into my life.  In my past there have obviously been a lot of mistakes, but one that I call my Mistake, that has shaped my life, heart, and attitude in ways I didn’t even think possible- and not necessarily for the better.

In that Mistake (which I’d love to share on a one on one basis, but I’m not particularly keen on writing on the internet) I never received grace or forgiveness– but rather judgment, shame, and a persona of being unforgivable and the greatest sinner. These identities wove themselves into the deepest parts of my heart, and apparently never left. I knew truth; that I was forgiven and that God loves me. I’ve moved past the Mistake itself, but its repercussions are what have dug so deeply into my heart. In facing things that I can’t “go home” from here in Ocean City, I have discovered Shame’s comfortable living situation in my heart, as well as its roommates, the Lies. It’s been incredibly challenging to face these things head on for myself, and even harder to allow others into this place of pain and shame.

“But God.” (Eph. 2:4.) But God is more. But God carrie[d/s] my shame and my sin. But God forgave, and forgives. But God fights for me. But God lives IN me.

Which brings me to another thing I’ve been studying lately: Who the heck is the Holy Spirit and why has NO ONE talked to me about Him before?! This seems to have been a serious ‘miss’ in my spiritual upbringing.    *Not blaming anyone, but just disappointed in missing it myself.*

Learning and studying more and more about the Spirit, and SEEING what walking by the Spirit is and really means- it seems like a really hard-to-miss, 1/3 of Christianity that was skipped for most of my life.     

This week we’ve been talking a lot about living water vs. broken cisterns: Jeremiah 2:13, 

“My people have committed two sins:They have forsaken me,    the spring of living water,and have dug their own cisterns,    broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

I’ve been processing through a lot of the broken cisterns that I go to for satisfaction in my own life; some include my friendships (even the amount of), approval, and my own performance. I’ve definitely seen how focusing on and running to these things for life and satisfaction leave me so empty and desperate for truth.

Now I’m learning what God means in John 7:37-38 when He says,

“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. 

Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, 

rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

Living Water = the Holy Spirit. Who is IN ME. I don’t need to GO anywhere for my satisfaction- my true and pure satisfaction comes from something- someONE - that is already dwelling inside of me.                       

?!?!? KAY. 

Like, For real, God?

I mean I knew this, but I didn’t know this. It seems so silly- so obvious - but it’s an elusive truth, I’ve found.

***Another note of importance to me: I am not in control of my own satisfaction- the Holy Spirit is.

….Oh.

Right.

Date Night with Jesus on the Beach <3
Smiling pic with me and the Holy Spirit, because we
enjoy each other's company so much!

Because I’ve been trying to satisfy myself for 19 years now (and I’m sure I’ll continue in vain many more times) but it sure hasn’t worked out yet. So, yeah, it must obviously be out of my control. The Holy Spirit is claiming that He, and He alone, is able to satisfy. He’s taking the WHOLE responsibility of satisfactorily meeting my every need on HIMSELF.

--> AND, knowing that God is the definition of good, and loves me more than I could ever love myself, shouldn’t I trust Him to handle my needs for me? Well I mean logically yes, but I know the difference between head knowledge vs. heart knowledge so very well.

So, this doesn’t seem very cohesive or beautifully written, but it is a glance at what's been going on in my heart this last week. 

 

"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news" Rom. 10:15

***Ministry-wise this week: It’s been incredible- I haven’t been scared to initiate or talk to people about God or present the gospel yet at all, praise God for that! I have been able to tangibly see God soften people’s hearts towards Him, and draw them sooo close to salvation, that I can’t help but get SO excited because I know God will finish the work He began in them if they are truly called to Himself! Being able to witness part of that, and BE a part of that, is indescribable.

*Note about the picture the the right. Really cool for me to think about how the verse says how beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news- not how wonderful is the intellect of those, or the theology of those, just the feet. As we walk out in obedience here in Ocean City to spread the gospel, it's been amazing to watch God work. :) 

                                                                                    

Summarization is Impossible, But Here it is...

Week 1: DONE.

I’m not sure how to summarize or write about the first seven days of being on project. So... I’ll give it my best shot. *Note, this will just be a small glimpse- definitely can’t write everything!

My Action Group: Bible Study/Roommates and Discipler!

It’s been challenging already to be in a close community of 100 students you don’t know, yet at the same time, one of the coolest things ever.

At first it was completely overwhelming (often still is...), and for the first couple days I had no idea what was even happening haha. But things just kept moving, one after the other, with barely any time to process what was going on.

This is one of the most unique experiences I’ve ever had, and watching myself react to what is going on has been very interesting and insightful.

So, what have I been learning about myself?

1. Insecurities are rampant in my heart.

In an overwhelming community like this, any and all insecurities rise to the surface pretty quick. The comparison game becomes the most popular to play, and you immediately want - even need - everyone to think you’re GREAT and to love you. But since insecurities work destructively, I quickly deduct that I’m not enough; be it fun enough, funny enough, godly enough, kind enough, etc.

This can easily be Satan’s feeding ground, and his hold on me in this area is more obvious than ever. It’s awesome to be thrust into this situation and be forced to face each insecurity head on (and there's quite a list).

It’s cool how our project realizes this too. The first talk on our first morning was about God’s love for you and how that produces permanent and powerful assurance and affirmation. It was in this talk that I realized another thing about myself:

2. I rarely am intentional about truths.

I have heard the “God loves you” talk more times than I can remember, yet on none of those occasions had I beat it into my heart or seriously applied it to my life in the interest of changing anything. Sitting and hearing these truths again, I desperately wanted to be done solely hearing and aimed to start applying.

In my life, I haven’t been, yet need to be, an intentional learner. I am so blessed to hear truth, often multiples times a day, but so often I leave the truths where I heard them and continue walking in my own ways, ways that continue to leave me wanting and hurting. It's funny how we can be in pain, and hear the solution, and think "wow that's awesome! I want that!" and then walk away from it because it takes energy and effort to apply it to yourself and go through the healing process. 

So, for this specific talk on love, I want(ed) to take the truths of God’s love and very seriously and intentionally dive into them, imagining a life lived in full assurance, and pursuing that. I am done surrendering to my insecurities and fear, a slave to a life of second-guessing and anxiety. I am intentionally pursuing a life lived abiding Christ’s love for me, and experiencing the freedom in that.

*Note: it is not an immediate change, but a conscious and constant battle.

This week is also themed “Setting the Pace” for both project- and life! So I’ve been processing what sort of permanent habits, or “rocks”, I want to create AND KEEP in my life. Some include:

Quiet times at the Beach:)

   1.     Read the Word to become unsatisfied. I feel like the less of God’s Word I read, the more satisfied I become with it. So I want to create a lifestyle of perseverance in reading and studying God’s Word so much that I become unsatisfied and am in a constant state of wanting to know it in greater depth.

   2.     Pray to know God. I want to live a life characterized by prayer. I feel like so much of my prayer life now is shallow and focused on MY life. So I want my focus in prayer to be to know and experience Christ, and be drawn into a deeper and deeper relationship with Him.

   3.     Be intentional in change, living to always grow. Never settling with my contentedness, but pursuing a life of learning and growing. (I touched on this above in working towards intentionally applying truths to my life.)

In project so far, I haven’t felt God shaking my life with ERUPTING convictions, but more so experiencing a quiet and constant growth. I’d like to build a foundation this summer of quiet and constant growth, one that will persist for the rest of my life- a foundation that is unshakeable, a place where the Lord can grow me into a strong woman.

My Impact Group!

So, these are just a few thoughts I’ve been challenged in, painting a little picture of what God has been doing in my life so far.

*OH, and as far as evangelism, I’ve gone out sharing on the boardwalk 3 times, and had solid experiences each time! The first two people I talked to professing Christians, but today I talked to two teenage girls who we shared the whole gospel with and who, you could tell, God had been preparing their hearts to hear truth. Praying for them tonight.

One Week to go? What does this MEAN?!

Well, you could say I've been waiting to go to Ocean City, NJ with Cru on summer missions for about 104 weeks now, ever since my brother went. So now that it's just a week away? It's pretty surreal to me haha.

So of course, I'm beyond excited.

But, also nervous. Mostly because of my illness. Fighting my mom through the whole "I want to go to Ocean City for the whole summer" thing was really hard. There were many prayers over whether this would be a step of faith or an harmful, unwise, or selfish decision. Yet, being led to the mission and now just one week away, I'm going in complete faith that somehow God will provide me with the physical strength to get through this summer. Yet, if I think about it more than one day at a time, it scares me.

      (Still, it reminds me of 1 Samuel 30:6, "Moreover David was greatly distressed because the people spoke of stoning him, for all the people were embittered, each one because of his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God."
      Anna was greatly distressed because the months prior to Ocean City, she was bed-bound for more than  15 hours a day. How could she work a job and then do ministry and then socialize and then spend daily time with God and then get little sleep- for 10 weeks straight? She didn't know, but she remembered the God of the universe, and she prayed He would have mercy and strengthen her heart and body.
      My story's got nothing on David's, so I should be confident that God will provide strength in my weakness. (But, you know how hearts are.. silly things; they like to doubt.)


One may ask about support raising, yes?

Well this was flat out disappointing for me - in the best way possible.
I have heard miracle stories of God providing at the last minute, and in incredible ways. Yet, for me, support raising was simple. I sent out letters and before I knew it, all my support was in- plus a few hundreds extra. I barely had to lift a finger. So I guess I should praise and thank God for his beautiful provision, and I do!! (...but secretly wishing it stretched me at least a little bit. But I suppose that's what the rest of this summer is for.. so I guess I shouldn't speak too soon.)


And Attitudes for this Summer?

I've been praying Ephesians 3:20-21 over my time in Ocean City:
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus for ever and ever! Amen."

I'm praying for the hearts of those sent, and for the hearts of those we will interact with- that God would do IMMEASURABLY more than I can even imagine.. and through His power, I pray we will walk in all He has for us this summer.
Beyond that, I don't know what to expect, but am praying that God prepares my heart and walks me in humility so that He can teach me as much as He wants this summer!


And with this, I have 7 days left till embarking on a crazy summer endeavor pursuing and being pursued by a beautifully relentless God.
Am I ready? Probably not.
As my brother said, "you should be terrified for this summer. Excited, but terrified."


Go ahead God, wreck my life.
(before I realized what I just asked for and try to take it back).