Revelation While Posting the Last Post...

[Intro: Like I said, I've been discouraged in my inability to DO m-work here. I feel like every time I go out, I'm hit with another physical issue that keeps me in bed twice as long as the last time, and is twice as serious. (Right now I'm afraid that due to my exhaustion levels my gut has temporarily(?) shut down. And for some unknown to me reason, my body cannot sleep when my gut shuts down. So now sleeping is off the table too.) I WOULD LOVE to fulfill my job (for which many people sacrificed to send me here to do)! Which is go out and take the goods. But I'm denied that again and again.]


But, in saying that, this thought popped into my head: My real ministry is prayer. 

And I think that might be what God is showing me here.

Isn’t our real ministry always prayer?

When do we ever do anything? We always need Him. We always need to “ask the God of the harvest.”

à Anna, would you be satisfied if God did everything, and you did nothing? ß

That’s the real question.

Ø  How much would that bother you? How much would YOU care what other people thought or how they perceived your work? How they analyzed your fruit? In that, how much would you really be caring about God?

Lay it down, Anna. Let God be the Lord of your life, which includes being the Lord of your harvest.

Nothing is to be Wasted

Okay, so I need to share about yesterday.

Yesterday, I woke up and felt awful.

[Side note: Sunday I spent the day bedridden with the most intense pain I have had in years. I had a migraine that felt like concrete walls were squeezing my head, this weird sensation that felt like electric currents were racing through my body, this pain in my hand that felt like someone was continuously pounding it with a hammer, pain in my back that felt like someone was hitting it with a metal pole, I was extremely nauseous (but couldn’t throw up), weak, etc. I was actually shaking and teared up multiple times because of the ceaseless pain (and I have a high pain tolerance). I was ready to ask someone to bring me to the ER. But, God intervened just in time.]

So, two days later was Tuesday, which was yesterday, which I’m talking about. Cool.

So, I woke up, still trying to recover from that terrible migraine. We were headed to the red light district to visit our NGO, so I really wanted to go. And I did. I was extremely weak and lightheaded and nauseous, but with an admittedly faltering confidence, I committed to the trip as I stepped on the train.

I was praying moment by moment that I wouldn’t throw up on the train, that I wouldn’t fall down the stairs, that I could keep breathing, and stay conscious. I was also praying (and have been this whole time) that God would yet use me amidst all this mess that is my physical body.

Crazily enough, I have not had a day here where I felt SO joy-filled and elated and loving as I did yesterday. (The paradox of walking with Jesus.)

Anyway, I saw Dad’s answer my prayers in each step that day, and I want to share those real quick:

1.     This south Asian girl sat real close to me on the train. For no conscious reason of mine, I struck up a conversation. She told me that she was experiencing pain (hah, ditto my friend). I had this nagging feeling to say something about the Great Physician, so I turned to her and said, “sometimes when I’m in pain I like to pray to God to help me -” I was about to ask if I could pray over her, but she immediately changed the subject. Alas, I was able to care for her and chat with her and speak about God. I was encouraged in heart!

2.     We got off the train and straight into rickshaws. I was in this with a staff man from the NGO we were about to visit. Never meeting him before, I asked about his spiritual background. He told me ALL about his recent struggle in walking with the Lord. I got to use that ride (where he cannot escape) to whip out my Text and share some Words to combat specific lies in his belief system, as well as pray over him. [Note: I did not want to get in the rickshaw with him. I desperately wanted to go with someone I knew so that I could comfortably ride in silence and focus on not falling out of the rickshaw. Dad had other plans and led me to *volunteer* to ride with him.]

3.     At the NGO, as soon as we arrived, the CUTEST kids came bounding in! They made me both thrilled as well as discouraged, because I knew that I had no energy to offer myself to play with them. As my team became immediately fond and taken with them, I found myself alone – desperately wishing I could have been in a different situation (where I was stronger). WHEN, all of the sudden, another teammate came over to me and opened up about all she was struggling with being in the red light district. Not enveloped in the kids, I was available to listen and talk with her about her heart and Dad’s heart. It was the sweetest time.

4.     THEN (I’m telling you, Dad took me step by step through this day) we went out into the brothels. (Not in the rooms, but into the hub where all the women were sitting outside their own brothels.) As we were walking, my leaders stopped to talk with one woman in particular. They asked if we could pray over her. She eagerly said yes, in which my leaders looked to my two teammates and me and said, “pray for her”. The other two girls were super nervous and overwhelmed with what was going on, but I had peace and gladly stepped forward. So, bending down to her, I placed my hands on her knees, bowed my head, and I – some rando daughter of God from the USofA – got to pray in power over this woman and ask the Lord to minister to her and rain down His love over her. WOW. After, we continued walking and praying and sharing the love we’ve experienced with Dad with the women there. What an honor.

In short: God honors faith. When you step out in faith, you give Him the space to show up and work mighty things in and through you.

And He wastes nothing.

John 6:12, “Let nothing be wasted” (Jesus speaking).

He will not waste today, not any day, not any person, not any thought, not any intention, not any prayer. Live with great expectation. I think often that God is altogether like me, when in reality, He could not be any greater than me (Ps. 50:21). He is infinite – not bound by space or time (or my physical limitations and frequent lack of faith). View Him like that (Anna), pray accordingly, and watch with eager expectation. He is GOD.

I need to stop imposing my agenda on God, or even my idea of what God’s agenda is on God. Just step back and let Him be who He is.

Honestly, I’m still struggling at times to see what my importance and skill is here. I’ve uncovered the lie that I believe my worth = my function/my fulfillment of my duties. And how much I’m loved = how well I’m doing at fulfilling my duties.

Not true. That’s not what love is, and that’s not who God is.

So, I am and will continue to meditate on the truth that nothing is wasted. Not even me. J

The Water boy

I’ve been really struggling to decipher what my role is going to be on this work trip.

I went out to do EV yesterday, had to leave early, came back, and felt like death. I was running on about 15% of myself/my energy. It knocked me out for the rest of that day, and the next one.

Thinking about going out and doing this again makes me scared, to be completely honest. Last week, going around town with my team was okay because I didn’t have to make conversation. I could focus on breathing, putting one foot in front of the next, and not passing out.

But in EV, I’m now expected to go out, strike up conversation, maintain conversation, be very sociable, get contacts, try to incorporate the goods, and then pursue them hard core in the next weeks. Facing that, I already feel defeated.

I don’t have the capacity to do this. I could push really hard, but is that really what Dad wants? I know He wants us to give all we have and push hard, and min. is hard work, but I don’t know if it is glorifying to push myself that hard. I feel that God is glorified in my life when I’m able to live life, not when I’m struggling to survive each day. There is wisdom in rest and yielding to limitations.

In the company, we’ve defined success by saying it’s “stepping out in faith and taking the initiative in the power of the HS and leaving the results up to God.”

…But, what if you don’t even have the capacity to step out?

Today I didn’t. I had to stay in my room all day, I could barely get out of bed. Initially I felt guilty. I came here for one reason, to do one job – EV. How can I get here and NOT do that?! I do not want to hinder my team, disappoint Dad, or not “do enough” (dangerous words, I know).

In speaking with my brother, I was encouraged to view success more so in the measure of faithfulness and stewardship. With how I serve here, would I be confident in standing before the Bema seat of Christ, able to say that I did all that I could, with all wisdom and all effort, to use what He’d given me to bring Him the greatest glory possible through my life?

I was explaining all of these thoughts to my disc-er on the train, and I was in the middle of expressing how I had no idea how I could do m-work here when this local girl next to me taps me on the shoulder and immediately strikes up a conversation. We got into this huge, sincere conversation about life and it ended with us swapping contact info, and her asking if we could meet up and hang out. …OK, Dad!

I was silenced in my questions and reminded that Dad is going to use me how He wants to use me, where and when He plans. He is going to take my personal weakness and strategically place me in order to be glorified through them. All I need to do is faithfully respond and obey. Amen.

As far as how I expect to serve here daily, I’m still chatting with Dad about it.

Today, I felt like the Water boy of the Team. I may not go on the field often, I may not run the big plays or carry the ball across the line, but I for sure am cheering on my team with all that I have.  I’m chatting with Coach while they’re on the field. And when they come back, I am there with the water and words of encouragement. I’ll substitute when they need me or when I can jump in. When Coach needs me for something specific.

This is a team effort. I may not be the quarterback of Dad’s Squad, but I for sure am going to give everything I am for the Victory in any position I’m given. If Coach has placed me by His side for the next 5 weeks instead of on the front lines, I will be the best water boy you could ever ask for.

The Vision, My Mission

I am going into battle,
the point not to return.
I am going into battle,
deep surrender I must learn.

I will struggle
to the point of blood,
and with a happy heart I go.
For my Savior fought in love,
though the cross before Him,
He did know.

"Lay down your rights" we say,
but a soldier himself,
he must lay.
For He gives self, pleasure,
and fear away
in sacrifice
for a bigger Day.

Keep steady gaze
on that Day.
One foot here,
one stepping ever near
to the Kingdom for which you die,
to be welcomed by
the Most High.

"Welcome him in joy,
and honor men like him -
who risked his life for Me,
though He could never fully see
My glory
and all that he will be."

March on through pain, and march till death -
if only I will be
in Heaven with my Savior
for all eternity. 

Stewarding My WHOLE Self

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” Mark 12:29

I don’t think I’ve been loving God very well with my strength this week. I have been relying much on my own wisdom of what I can and can’t do, and haven’t been listening to God. I’ve pushed very hard when He may have been calling me to rest. I’ve strained myself so much physically that it has sucked the life out of my heart, soul, and mind. That’s loving myself (and following my own wisdom and pride) more than my Dad. That’s not how God wants me to live. He’s given me these 4 areas, gifts, and He LONGS for me to enjoy each one of them. He Himself deeply enjoys each – my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength. Loving Him well would, first of all, involve being able to love Him in each, not shutting down 3 so I can exasperate myself in one.

I'm realizing this week how I've prioritized my strength (what I'm physically doing) over the other parts of my being. I saw this after reading this note in my Text: “A good harvest is not the achievement of endless toil but the result of God’s blessing.” (referencing Ps. 127:1-2)
I thought that for me, making Dad proud was persevering through all that was on my plate, with a joyful heart, and falling into bed 'victorious' (but exhausted) after each day. I thought I was doing really well at "laying down my rights" to comfort by "picking up my cross" through my physical hardships each day. 

I have been dwelling a lot this trip on how I am a soldier in a battle. However, I realized this morning that when I think of a soldier, all I think of is the physical aspect. I see a chaotic battlefield where the greatest soldiers, though painfully wounded, still march courageously on. But maybe that isn't the full picture. For Paul does say that our fight is in fact not against flesh and blood, but the spiritual forces in this world (Eph. 6).

So, if I am going to be an effective soldier in this unseen battle (both in Gateway and the world), I desperately need the health of all 4 areas – heart, soul, mind, and strength. This is not a war of brute strength. Rather, each area is essential and will be strategically tested and applied in action.

I see now the ease with which Satan leads us to believe our fight, like those in the world, are of flesh and blood – of our strength only (or even just primarily). OH yes! How he has hindered our mission! Stunted our victories because he deceives us every time into believing it is by our deeds that the battle is won! We often think, 'how are people going to know God if we don’t do something to take the gospel to them?' TRUE. Completely true. But one may also ask, 'how is the gospel going to change anything if we are not fighting with our heart, soul, and mind – which are the avenues the Spirit works through?' It seems as though our hearts may even precede the use of our strength. We can do, do, do all we want with ALL our strength and still have 0 fruit to show for the entirety of our lives. We need to incorporate our hearts, souls, and minds with the power of our Spiritual-Being-Daddy, so that He can save. When we choose to fight by strength alone, God is seriously limited in what He can do through us. God only does so much by physical means in this world. He is a spiritual being, whose war is in the spiritual world, who’s trying to redeem the spirits of our world. Thus we, as His soldiers, need to engage our spiritual weapons, A LOT. If we are, then God can and will do so much through us, because we’re finally playing on the right field with the right weapons.

I imagine it’s similar to entering battle with an impressive tank, but no weapons. You can use the strength of the tank to do some damage, maybe clear some paths, get some guys on the front lines, but you have no way to disarm the enemy, let alone defeat him. You need guns if you are going to WIN, not just survive. We have been given all the spiritual weapons needed to defeat our enemy. We need to USE them!

Now, I *know* all this. I would tell you that I did, and I could have told you this all before this morning’s quiet time. But, it dawned on me in yet another way through being here in country and dealing with illness.

In country I have been pushing with all my strength, enduring through all that we’ve been asked to do. It has turned out alright – God’s strength and grace is always enough! But it has come at a cost. I have had to play this game on low-battery all week. I live most days at around 20-30% of my full energy. I’m on power-saving mode 24-7. I leave no room to “waste” energy on thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. I don’t have much time or energy to spend in Dad’s Text, talking with Dad, or pouring into my teammates. I have no room to engage my heart, mind, or soul in what is going on here, dangerously disarming me and hindering my efforts. Spending all of myself in one of the four categories drastically limits what God can (and hopes to) do through me. This week I have only been playing on the physical battlefield, leaving me vulnerable to attack and weak in in offense in the other three (important) areas of life and war.

My team and I have been experiencing definite spiritual warfare here, especially in the last couple days. From dreams, to weird health issues, to severe fogginess of mind and heart, to having close calls with dangerous situations/people, Satan is scheming with a variety of cards. If we are not prepared to fight in heart, soul, mind, and strength, than we can not advance our work nor even stand for long. We need the entire armor of God… (again, Eph. 6)

-       Belt of truth:  you can’t fight for your team if you’re operating under the wrong orders. You could hinder your team’s advancement, or even play into the enemy’s hands. You need to operate and fight under the right rules, orders, and intel. You need the truth to guide you, inform you, and assist you. You need the truth to be unified, to plan attack, and to be victorious.

-       Breastplate of righteousness:  both a defense and a weapon (2 Cor. 6).

-       Helmet of salvation:  key.

-       Feet fitted with the readiness of the gospel:  our strength and our doing is essential, it is the advancement of the message.

-       Shield of faith:  this is how we break down all Satan’s schemes. “Extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” Our defense.

-       Sword of the Spirit:  this is our offense, our plan of attack. It is not our strength and how hard we work to fight that wounds, it's the fact that it is the Spirit. The spirit cuts and dismembers its enemies. The spirit is the weapon, not our strength. It is The power. We need to lay down our own efforts and wield THAT. 

But my favorite part is how the passage of the armor of God ends:

“And pray in the Spirit with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.”

Our greatest strategy is prayer. 

... A good note for me right now. If I'm so tired I cannot keep myself awake enough to pray, I need to reorganize my life and my fight immediately.

To love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, I need to obey Him in all these areas. (Love is obedience.)

I need to surrender myself in all of these areas (“Love has no one greater than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”). 

I need to take care of them, maintain them, and honor Him in them. 

And right now, I think that means I should take some time to rest...

Taking His Yoke

In my quiet time yesterday morning a picture like this came to my mind. It represents the yoke that Jesus is asking me to carry in my life. Often, it is a hard yoke, full of pain, heartbreak, and sacrifice. 

But, what I realized is that God is already in my suffering. I’m not asking Him to join me, but He is asking me to join Him. It is Christ that I accompany in my suffering. He’s already there. 

Furthermore, I realized that even though I will be locked in and have "hard work to endure" (2 Cor.), it is really Jesus who is carrying the weight of my burdens. All He’s asking for is my acceptance, obedience, and trust. Can I not graciously offer to Him who has unfathomably offered ME all things??

Welcome to South Asia!

To give a quick synopsis:

Yes, jet lag is real.

Yes, there are people everywhere.

Yes, there are at least 10 different smells every 5 steps.

Yes, the honking is constant.

Yes, the heat hits you like a brick wall when you walk outside.

Yes, the people stare (especially the men).

Yes, dogs run everywhere and cows roam free.

Yes, it is dirty and poor.

Yes, it is rich and modern.

Overall, I love it. I love being away from America. Stepping into the city, it felt almost familiar to me. I was immediately excited to be HERE. I personally have had little culture shock or hardships adjusting (besides jet lag haha), for which I am very thankful!

A few praises:

-       We arrived safely, with no trouble getting in country

-       My team has been blessed with beautiful unity of heart and purpose so far

-       One girl had a dangerous allergic reaction, but was saved by her epi-pen and a sketch hospital

-       We have all been assimilating very well, getting more and more excited each day to dive into m-work!

But the trip has not come without its difficulties even so far…

I began to encounter my own trials on the plane ride in country. On our last flight I started having severe gastrointestinal pain (an intense ripping sensation throughout my intestines). It was so bad I could barely breathe, think, talk, sit, walk, or sleep. And, unfortunately, I had no medicine to try to subside the pain. It was hard.

However, I had just read some words from Elizabeth Elliot in her book, The Path of Loneliness, which I would like to share. [She was speaking on taking your gift of suffering and turning it into an offering to the Lord]

“To make that gift an offering may be the most costly thing one can do, for it means the laying down of a cherished dream of what one wanted to be, and the acceptance of what one did not want to be. … [Suffering] is a gift God has given me to give back to Him in order that he may make something of it.” …

“Each one must order his life according to the gift the Lord has granted him.” (1 Cor. 7:17)

and finally, “I will offer… the sacrifice of thanksgiving.” (Ps. 116:17)

Similarly,

One of our themes for this summer is laying down our rights and living as sacrifices. Before this trip I was really struck by 2 Cor. 6, “…as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.”

From the time this trip began, I had had ample opportunities to lay down comfort that I innately desire and accept deep pain as an offering to the Lord.  (I have so many thoughts on each of these passages, but I do not have the time to go into it, nor do I think I would… it would take about 4x the length, and this post is already long! But if you would like to ask about what something means or what I meant, do not hesitate to reach out.)

This also came to my mind…

“Praise be to our God and Father who graciously gives us all things.” I can’t think of the reference right now, or even if that’s how it’s really worded, but I know this idea is in the Text somewhere. 

I was meditating on this yesterday morning, and this is what I wrote:

“Graciously gives us all things” – as in sufferings. He gives us these with grace. He knows we are but dust; weak-willed. He does not give with hard expectation and demands, but with abounding grace and love. Will you accept His favorable blessings but not His grace? And how else do you get to accept grace but that to suffer experiences in that demand His grace? In this way, it truly is a gift. He gives us all things, but He does so graciously. Sometimes the gift seems less gracious, but is perhaps more so a gift OF grace.”

On the plane – after changing my attitude from being a victim of pain, one who is unfortunately hurting, my entire experience changed. I felt comforted, loved, accompanied in an intimate way. I felt safe even though I had no idea if the pain would stop or really why it was hurting that terribly. I felt a deeper purpose to my pain, and I felt honored in that moment to bring to the Lord my gift of suffering. I felt joy and thanksgiving. I felt happy that I had something to bring to my sweet Lord, knowing that He knew, understood, was thankful, and was already working all things out for my good.

So, I am laying down my rights to myself again and learning how to offer everything I have as a gift to the Lord, even my sufferings.  What I am continually learning is 1. How to trust God and 2. How loved I am by Him.

Again, I have so many, many thoughts and things I’m learning, but I’ll start with this. J