“I was clear, present, and very determined. As Samuel Johnson drily
commented, the prospect of death marvelously concentrates the mind.” (Grace and Grit, Ken Wilber, pg.
41-42).
Suffering
immediately focuses you on the mission.
“Therefore, since
Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves with the same attitude,
because
he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live
the rest of his earthly life for human desires, but rather for the will of
God.” 1 Peter 4:1-2
It is the
nature of deep suffering to cut the crap. No longer are you intertwined in
petty things. You are inexpressibly sincere- to the soul. The deepest part of
your inmost being is still as you face an equal depth in pain.
I have
experienced these jolts to focus many times. A few that I remember clearly are
when my dearest childhood friend told me she was raped, when my mom calmly
shared that she believes she is now starting to die, when I researched my own
illness and realized that I will lead a terribly hard life and suffer till I
die, which will probably be very young, when my sister asked me to my face if I
was going to die, and countless more. Suffering cuts to your
heart. It severs the ties of your heart to superfluous things. It is a knife,
cutting you apart until what is left is only what is crucial for survival, and
leaves you to march forward with that. It reorients your direction from a
bee-like path, up and down, side to side, to a direct unquestionable aim; a
mission. Life is no longer a playground, but rather a solemn fight, one to now
be survived, not teased with.
Personally, My mission: to do the
will of the Father (God).
There is nothing left on this earth
or in this life that I desire; nothing that I desire more than to be in the
presence of my Lord. Therefore, since I am
still alive, even today, I am living for a mission, not simply for pleasure.
My thought every morning as I wake
up: Okay, Lord. You woke me up to live this day. Why? Walk me in the
significance of this day, and please, oh please, give me strength.
Every evening: “Lord Jesus, receive
my spirit.” (Acts 7). I am done fighting for this day. If your will, take me
home. If not, then please sustain me through tomorrow and strengthen me to walk
in what you have for me.
