I finally cracked. I finally cried last night.
Cry is a light word, I definitely more like wept. For a long
time.
The past few months I’ve been praying and praying that God
would reveal to me His love, for I knew that somehow, in some way, I was missing
it.
Being here, I haven’t felt very loved by God. And it took my
friend asking me the same question I’d been asking myself for weeks for me to put
it all together.
She asked me if I felt loved by God, to which I responded
not really. I told her I had realized that I believed how much I was loved was
dictated by how well I was fulfilling my function(s). (I knew this to be a
lie.) She asked if I knew where I got that idea. That’s when it all flooded in.
I started piecing together memories built up over the years,
some very distant, some only a few weeks in the past.
I remembered multiple times where I asked people very close
to me to do something with me, and they responded no. They had more important
things to do. I remember once specific incident in asking someone and when they
responded no, I pleaded with them that it was my birthday. They just looked at
me and walked away. From this my internal message was: people don’t genuinely,
intrinsically want to spend time with you. You’re not worth that much. People
need a good reason to spend time with you.
I remember people in my past gossiping once I had become
sick and asking how anyone could ever want to marry me, because they would be
paying off medical bills for the rest of their lives. From that, I learned that
I am a burden. And that the burdens I carry far outweigh any pleasure I could
ever bring, or any worth I could ever hold.
I also learned growing up that performance is most
important. And I learned through the perfectionists around me that even though
I tried hard, I could never do a good
enough job. I always came up short.
Some reactions to my health situation told me that I need to
push harder. That I can’t slack off. That being sick or not feeling well is
never a good enough excuse to “be lazy”. Rest is for the weak. Those who don’t
strive till their last breath are unworthy of the Kingdom. Because of that,
after I slept in the other day due to feeling sick, I found myself repenting
for my irresponsibility. It was physically possible for me to walk and to talk.
Therefore, there was not one good reason why I should have allowed myself to be
so incredibly irresponsible and lazy. My performance wasn’t enough. I was being
disobedient to the purpose of my trip. I was making mistakes and wasting time.
Because my worth is relatively average/low, and the burdens
I carry are high, I had a sad reaction to watching the movie Finding Dory. In
the film, Dory, who struggles with short-term memory loss (a big burden to
others), is looking for her long lost family. In one scene, she questions
whether her parents would really want to see her. My reaction was: No. How
could they? I saw myself in her. I saw how I was a huge burden on those around
me and how I could not fulfill my function, as a good human being should. I
have low productivity. Therefore, there is no sufficient reason for someone to
spend much energy caring for me. My greatest (honest) guess was that they would
be mildly pleased.
In the other movie we saw here, three men were forced to undergo
a lot of difficulties for the woman they each loved. To me, it was incredulous.
I could not understand why they would have gone through so much. To me, I could
not fathom a man going through that much just to be with me. I’m not worth it! Please - don’t!
Because of all these lies, I always catch myself before
dreaming too great about God’s love for me. Sometimes I imagine Him being with
me while I do some activity or another, but I have to immediately stop
dreaming. Unless I’m sharing the goods or doing something I deem as spiritually
productive, like reading the Text or praying, there’s no reason for Him to
‘waste’ His time with me. He is GOD for crying out loud, He definitely has way
more important things to do.
So, my top love language being quality time, I did not ever
dream I could experience God’s love that much. Furthermore, I’ve never been
able to comprehend why God would ever love me to begin with. There’s NO REASON FOR HIM TO LOVE ME. Because of the
lies I believe about love, my view of God concludes like this: Yes, He loves
me. But He doesn’t like me very much, or want to spend time with me, or want me
anymore than that foundational, generic love.
So, in my own conclusion, I am unworthy of much love.
Because I don’t have a lot of worth, there’s no reason to love me or want me
around much extra. I don’t fulfill my function. I am disobedient and a
disappointment.
Because of these lies, I desperately
desire control over my desires and emotions, esp. in love. I cannot hope too
much, I cannot expect much. I need to be independent and strong. Weakness and
vulnerability emotionally or in my desires means heartbreaking disappointment.
This all has made being in South Asia on my m-work trip
difficult. I cannot do what I was supposedly sent here to do. Dad’s deep and true delight in me amidst my inability
is a concept unknown to me. I simply cannot comprehend it.
However, through those in my life here, I have been
encouraged to bring my heartbreak and skewed view of God’s love, as well as my
true, deepest desires to the throne of God. I beg my Father in Heaven to show
me what His love is truly like. I plead with Him to reveal to me how “long and
wide and high and deep is His love” (Eph. 3). I know it exists. People
experience it. The Text talks about it. The cross proves it. But is a veil in
place that keeps me from uninhibitedly seeing it.
Today in my discipleship meeting, I was explaining to my
discipler how much I lovee playing the game Just Dance (after confessing all
this about love). She looks at me and goes, “I bet Jesus would love to play Just Dance with you.”
That concept has run through my mind the rest of the day.
God would want to spend that crazy, silly, “unproductive” time – with me? That’s what His delight is like in
me? That’s what it means when He says He wants me, and loves me, and wants a
relationship with me??
I have realized that I fall in love with people and I feel
love in being fun, in laughing a lot, in being goofy, in addition to meditating
on deep things and seeing people’s passion in life.
This is no different with God. If I am going to fall deeper
in love with Jesus (which I so much want to!), I need to let Him pursue
me in the ways He created me to enjoy the greatest! I need to trust Him when He
says He DOES love me that much!
So tonight is Date Night with Dad. Instead of doing my usual
of spending time in the Word and praying and thinking hard about Him, I decided
to listen to the best dance songs I know and imagine dancing with Dad to these
songs! It was SO great!!! We enjoyed the music and dancing like crazies together. He’s not afraid to be silly
with/for me. That made me feel so pursued, so delighted in, and so worth loved.
Then I knew I needed to laugh with God. So I googled Who’s
Line is it Anyway clips and watched them with Dad. We laughed so hard together.
J
Yes, this is the stuff that I enjoy soo much. But this is
also stuff He enjoys, things He created! He delights in me and spending this
time with me more than I could ever hope or dream.
This is what I needed to see tonight in my date with Him.
I know continuing to grow in the knowledge and experience of
God’s love will drastically change my life.
“What a man desires is unfailing love.” (Prov.).
This is what I was created for. Yes I am worth it, He tells
me. Yes I am delightful in all that I am and all I am not. NO I am not a
burden. I am not a mistake. I am not worth only what I can contribute. For God
loved me way before I could “contribute” anything to Him.
Jesus, please continue to lavish your love over me;
overwhelm me with how much You delight in me. I am desperate for it, after
years of shutting You out.
"The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17